Justin Trudeau's Pet Rabbit

My introduction to Ottawa was inauspicious to say the least. First off, what kind of city has a station that isn't walking distance from the centre? If that wasn't bad enough the bus link runs hourly. And, due to its remote, disconnectedness, the station ranks amongst the most soulless places I've ever been. And I've been to Frankfurt.

I was staying in a converted jail - I'm all over a gimmick - but the atmospheric novelty quickly wore off when I found I was in a three foot by nine foot cell. For the record, there's not much space in a three foot by nine foot cell.

I was directed to Byward Market for dinner. Now in my head that sounded like a decent place to get a tasty snack from a tasty snack stall. Turns out all the stalls were closed which left a load of oversized Irish pubs full of frat boys getting LabourDay loaded. Wholly unpleasant. Guess I'm getting old.

Anyway, the next day (when I'd eaten and I'd got my sense of humour back) I found that Ottawa was actually alright. A lot of the buildings are suitably impressive and the riverside walks are ace.

One tiny criticism, on my first day of walkinh there seemed to be charity muggers on every intersection like some insidious YOLO cult. It was almost threatening. Not sure what they were mugging for, I'm gonna assume it was for their experiments in eugenic cloning and ultimate world domination. I didn't give them money. Not certain why anyone would. Maybe Canadans are less cynical.

Speaking of which, I went to the light show on Parliament Hill. It starts with a history of Canadia and then halfway through morphs into something resembling an announcement from the Capitol. The crowd lapped it up. If they had done anything that blatantly patriotic back in Blighty they would be apologising for weeks.

Tea Dot

I've been wanting to go to Toronto since I first heard Abdominal's T Ode almost a decade ago. He just made the city sound like somewhere I wanted to visit (which is more than I can say for any London song that I can think of off the top of my head).

And so I finally made it. I had friends to show me around, this meant I avoided the bulk of the more touristy things to do (CN Tower, p'uh) in favour of doing things that Torontonians actually do (Escape rooms, drinking ale, eating at English pubs - all things that I definitely couldn't do at home). I think that that's what Abdominal would have wanted.

We went to the Ex - Canadia's National Exhibition - which was a Village Fair that had been supersized. So much stuff. So much food I couldn't find the fabled pulled pork eclair in the food court so had to settle for chilli-cricket, steak taco.

Obviously I've been trying to consume all the new things (standard), so far I've tried ice wine (about 80 percent sweeter than wine needs to be) and a Caesar, which tasted like a Bloody Mary.

I stayed in The Beaches. Now in my head Toronto is thoroughly in land so I had always figured that The Beaches was either The Beeches or some other corruption. But no, Toronto has a legit beach. A beach on a lake hey? What will they think of next?

Splishy Sploshy

I'm in St Catharine's, which I think is the point where everyone should start their Canadan adventure. Apparently it's the Canadan town that eats the most doughnuts per capita. Which by my reckoning makes it the doughnut capital if the world.

More prosaically, it also reminds me a lot of the kind of city you see in all American (yes, I know, I'm sorry) movies ever. All decking and driveways and strip malls and drivethrus. And doughnuts. Although it's Tim Horton's in this Canadia place. My first two meals both involved Tim Horton's. Dirty.

I went to Niagara Falls yesterday. That's one of the main ones, right? I'd been warned that it was going to be horribly commercial, but it was nowhere near as bad as I feared. There was just a nearby street full of ways to part tourists from money - why have one wax museum when you can gave two? Why have two minigolfs when you can have three?

The Falls themselves were big and wet and, due to the bank holiday weekend, somewhat queuey. Cobes had been recommended "Niagara's Fury" as a handy and fun introduction to the history of the Falls, so we started there. It was very bad. If you are in Niagara Falls fo not go. It is a waste of time and money which, in a town designed to waste your time and money is saying something. The other Falls based attractions like (TAFKA) The Maid of the Mist and the Journey Behind The Falls were a whole heap better. Almost worth the brutal queues...

Drum n Bass and Toilet Queues

How did it take me so long to get to the Notting Hill Carnival? I've been meaning to go for well over a decade, how has it taken so very, very long. A cocktail of apathy, busy-ness and the need to coerce friends to join me, I guess.

Glad I've been now though. I feel obliged to sneer at the over priced drinks and the enormous queues for the toilet (mighty glad I wasn't a lady - one hour. ONE HOUR.) but in reality I had a fab time, it always feels naughtily anarchic to be walking down the middle of a road, let alone with a drink in your hand.

Other things I've liked:
The Crystal Maze
It was ace. I felt just like I was on TV in the early nineties. In that I shouted into a room at the same time as everyone else, just like the guys you found really annoying when it was n for real.

Escape Rooms
You know something has gone mainstream when you have several options in Essex. Recently I have escaped both EscapeLive in Southend and the pop-up at Asylum in Chelmsford. Two very different styles.  Go on, jump on a bandwagon.

You know when you get those tingles...

Previous years I've been to the theatre a whole heap and generally enjoyed it quite a lot. This year I've checked out most of the big name shows and been continually less than whelmed.

And then Yerma happened.
Best thing I've seen since Chimerica? Definitely.
Best thing I've seen since Macbeth? Possibly.
Best thing I've seen?  Erm...
Just go see it.

Where's Big Jeff

It's that time of year where I tell you about all the exciting new bands that I saw at Standon.  In reality my Standon experience reached a new nadir. I seemed to spend far too long doing a music quiz and nowhere near enough time riding the cutting edge of the music scene.

Festival highlight: The guy from Rockaoke singing "Where's Big Jeff" to the tune of Purple Rain.  Easily pleased doesn't come close.

Politics, Hey...

I'm really enjoying politics at the moment, but feel that if I talk about it I'll say something obvious and / or trite and / or sounds like sixth form nonsense and / or I disagree with and / or regret before the rolling news cycle is out. So I'll talk about the things that happen in urban parks instead.

Castle Park, Colchester: Food and Drink Festival
In my head this was going to be sitting in the park in the sun eating and drinking all day.  In the real world that didn't happen. It was way too muddy to do any sitting; just muddy enough to do some sinking. I did manage to forcefeed weird foods into randoms though - who doesn't love shooting oysters?

Queens Square, Bristol: Comedy Garden
I chose badly.
Bad choice 1. I should have gone to Grillstock - meat and music, hmmmm.
Bad choice 2. I should have seen the Pajama Men. Instead I saw Arthur Smith and John Shuttleworth.

Arthur Smith I mainly know from panel shows, in my head I expected him to be miserable but doing fairly intelligent jokes. In reality he was just doing lowest common denominator bobbins - "ooh, I done a swear, how risque?" An utter waste of twenty minutes.

I knew nothing of John Shuttleworth.  Just had a vague knowledge of the name. Turns out he's completely cult.  Everyone else in the audience knew every word to every song and found every facial malformation cassock wettingly hilarious. Whereas I just didn't understand why a middle aged man was pretending to be a middle aged man.

Admirals Park, Chelmsford: Beer Festival
It's the premier event in Chelmsford's social calendar. The one time of the year that I can still guarantee bumping into people that I've known for all of the time yet not seen in ages. Plus there's beer. And a park. And sun.

Chalkwell Park, Southend: Village Green
The Stereo MCs look a lot like a "Just Say No, Kids" advert but at the same time haven't really changed since they were getting themselves connected twenty odd years ago. They were a lot of fun. Billy Bragg, not so much.