This cross will make you jump

The biggest cross in the world is on the top of a mountain overlooking Skopje. That's 60m of religious symbolism goading you wherever you are in the city. Now I'm not one for getting goaded, especially not my religious symbolism, so I climbed that there mountain to give it a piece of my mind. Nearly killed Chappers in the process. Innocent casualty caught in the crossfire. One of the perils of goadability.

We'e been pootling around Skopje or a couple of days now. It's a great city. I genuinely can't understand how it had slipped under my radar or so long.

We visited Mother Theresa's house. She wasn't in. Booo.

Another booo is that it's last day of the holidays, so what have we learned:

1. That bimbling around a city generally means you take about 18,000 steps a day, which is a lot. Surprisingly it doesn't make a at lot of difference if you actively try and walk to somewhere. Even yesterday's mountain scramble didn't change the totals all that much.

2. If you're asked at customs 'what are you doing in this country?' 'Wearing a hat.' is
the wrong answer, even if it is true.

3. There's a gap in the market for both Mother Theresa and Alexander the Great action figures. Can't find them anywhere.

Kosovo

So it seems like all of Bitola's alleged beautiful people are sipping expressos in Pristina - who'd've thought? Turns out that there Kosovar capital is way more trendy than I'd given it credit for.

I didn't really get Kosovo as a country. It seemed to be one long sprawling ribbon of breakers yards from the border to the capital, occasionally interspersed with a trendy looking new build that would put an equivalent building in Blighty to shame. Not what I'd expect from Europe's poorest country.

Pristina itself was fairly much the same thing only concentrated. Lots of things that shouldn't go together together and the whole thing topped up with more cars than a city twice its size needed.

The whole city seemed to be in a state of flux, as though it hadn't quite worked out its identity. Give it two years and it will be chock full of stag dos.

Bitola

Right, back in Macedonia. Specifically just arrived back in Skopje after a sweaty four hours on a train and an only marginally less sweaty twenty four hours in Bitola.

Apparently Bitola is super trendy. Milan to Skopje's Rome. Allegedly. It just seemed like a town to my ignorant, fashion-unconscious eyes. Ho hum.

We found some Roman ruins. They were fun. Most places don't let you clamber over millennia-old ruins. Prudes.

Tim's banned me from choosing journey snacks. My previously foolproof method of choosing based purely on the name was found sadly lacking. Chipsy Kings were alright but Hello Flips were kind of like polystyrene, only not as nutritious. Whilst we're talking confection it seems that Macedonia has a drink that's sort of like Inca Cola, at any rate it's bright yellow and tastes of sweet shops. My Cyrillic's not great but I think it's called Gazoza, if you're interested.

Albanian Rhapsody

Well Albania's a bit more like it. This seems a whole heap more like weird travelling, none of that European nonsense that Macedonia as pedalling. This is just that little bit off kilter, can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's because we got a lift from the border in a beaten up van. Maybe it's because there are hundreds of men playing dominoes and almost no ladies. Or maybe it's just that there was a stuffed bear in the snack bar we ate in earlier.

We're in Pogradec. So I'm probably not in any real position to judge Albania from this alone. Kinda like saying "yeah, I've seen Britain" when you've only been to Clacton on Sea. It seems a bit cheaper here too. We're in a beachfront, town centre hotel - the kind of hotel that has a grandfather clock in the lobby - and it's substantially cheaper than last night's dorm room.

Whilst I think of it, Albania also deserves praise for its flag. It's great, but for completely different reasons to that there Macedonian flag. Whereas the Macedonian one was all full of hopeful positivity, the Albanian flag has based itself on the baddies in eighties cartoons. Proper sinister.

Lake 'Orrid

We're in Ohrid, pronounced Okrid, apparently, but given that it's the Macedonian holiday destination of choice (think 18-30s; think sunbeds; think whooping), our original pronounciation might be more appropriate. Still the town's pretty enough, chock full of cobbled streets and tiny orthodox churches.

Went to Snake Island today. It's not in Lake Ohrid, it's in the next lake along, right by the Greek / Alabnia border. What do you think when you think of snake island - something a bit like whacking day in the Simpsons? Indiana Jones' pits? Snakes everywhere? So did we. Perfect for a snake-o-phobe (similarly the two hour boat trip there was pretty good for someone with an explosive stomach. It's all about being kind to your mates).

He needn't've worried (well, about the snake bit), the island was a complete misnomer. Cormorant island would have been more appropriate, as would snakeless island. Closest we got was a fistful of tortoises. Ho hum.

Green and Pleasant Land

Macedonia, you little cutie, you kept yourself all quiet didn't you? Like the mousey secretary in an action movie, you said nothing until people started to take note and then, wow.

It was the green, green mountains on the approach to the airport that first gave it away. Then finding that there was more history here than I'd given it credit for - significantly more than the twenty years that I was expecting. Then that flag. Best flag in the world? Almost certainly. It looks like a child designed it.

We're in Skopje at the moment. I'm not going to lie, I was expecting weird but in a tolerable way. I was wrong, not much weird at all - only about as weird as a Rotterdam. The only real weird is some of the statues they've got and the shiny planters in the river, but you get the impression that they're deliberately, quirkily weird, rather than 'donkey in a bus shelter' weird.

They're currently going through an unnecessarily ambitious building programme so you've got air-conditioned acropolises emerging all over the show. There's a shiny new Alexander the Great statue in the town square which would definitely beat our Nelson's Column in a straight fight.

In short: Skopje = so much better than expected.

Homage to Macedonia

Following on from the last post, my knowledge of opera is a veritable compendium when compared to my knowledge of Macedonia. Which can be summed up thus:

- It's north of Greece, south of Kosovo and east of Albania.
- The Capital is Skopje.
- There's a lake called Lake 'orrid.
- It was part of Yugoslavia.

That's less than thirty words of knowledge. Only one way to solve this. Let's go to Macedonia...

Keep it Highbrow

I don't really like it when I don't know about stuff (apart from pop culture, I've long since given up being able to recognise anyone off the telly) so I try to do something about it. Sometimes this leads to a bit of internet swatting (like when I realised that if they had a Shipping Forecast round in a pub quiz I'd be, erm, all at sea, so learned to tell my Forties from my Fisher - incidentally, this extra knowledge hasn't helped at all in anything and possibly never will), more often it leads me to taking a more interactive approach.

So Opera, that's something I know nothing about. Off the top of my head I can only think of two (the Magic Flute and la Traviata, since you ask), even puzzling over it I reckon I'd be hard pushed to reach double figures. I've been to an opera before (Candide, not a real opera, I'd read the book before and it was in English) but that was part of such a weird series of events (Transylvanian crime and lightning strikes) that I'm not sure it counts [Don Giovanni?]. So I went to the opera.

I saw Salome at the Royal Opera House. Well high culture. Quite enjoyed it but even I found it a bit pretentious. [Madame butterfly?] The ROH is magnificent. We were right up in the cheap seats so the view was a little bit Vertigo. But really shiny. The whole thing is immersively multi-media reading surtitles, listening to music and watching what's happening on stage all at the same time. Quite an overload for my non-highbrow brain.

Salome obviously was a ridiculous story - [La Boheme? It's like I've got opera tourettes] - are all opera stories fairly ridiculous. Is that what high art is all about? Ridiculous stories? I've seen Swan Lake - that's about a guy who falls in love with a swan, I'm fairly sure that's never been an 'Enders plot line.

Marriage of Figarro? That's six, plus the two I've seen. Is Barber of Seville an opera? Not sure. I'm gonna count it anyway. Nine and I'm all out.

_________________

Less high-brow-ly I've just finished the Chaos Walking trilogy, That's dystopian teen fiction for all you grown ups. very enjoyable. Just heard that Charlie Kauffman is doing the screenplay for the Knife of Never Letting Go - quite excited.

Once More Unto The Breach

The helicopters pounding overhead did help to create a war aesthetic, however I can't help but think that it was rather more Operation Linebacker than Agincourt. Not entirely appropriate for Henry V at the Globe. Ho hum.

On the way back from that there theatre we stumbled upon the Naked Bike protest, now I'm all in favour of a protest, but there is something a little bit icky about cycling naked on a rented cycle. Next time I borrow a Boris bike I'm gonna try and remember to take some wet ones.

Chattin' at Robins

Still got this beef about aging.

I'm contemplating buying gardening gloves - that's not something that a young person buys. Did some of your actual proper bank-holiday gardening today, it's a lot of hassle, was at it for two hours, and the only thing that's really changed is how full my brown bin is. Boo. Was being helped by a robin, pretty much sitting on my shoulder waiting for worms to be dug up, the precocious domestoid.

What else? Slightly worried that I might have become a monarchist. That's an age thing as well, right. Don't get me wrong, I've not been out mummified in buntings standing to attention. I've not even turned the TV on. But I have read some of the republican-esque comments and frankly I'm not sure I approve. a. they sound like killjoys when they could just ignore it - which is never going to endear me to them. But more importantly b. what's the alternative? I suspect it's a presidency. I fully admit I know nothing about politics, but given the current crop of politicians, I'm really rather uncertain that that would be an improvement.

Let's finish with a riddle. Why does the library have an out-of-hours book return box, if you can't get to the out-of-hours box out of hours because of a big metal gate?